when i was 10 i discovered the internet by getting a club penguin account but i got bored of chilling at the plaza with other 10 year olds so it became my “cover story” while i was actually being a raging cyber slut on IMVU in some bitch ass lycra slut suit going on dates can you BELIEVE that 

i can’t

and i’m ashamed on so many levels 

10

i wanted to make a banana cake

went downstairs in my bra and knickers to get a cup of tea and mum was in the kitchen all sweaty from her hard 2 hour work out at the gym and i said lovingly “hey mum can i-” and she turned round and looked at me and then slapped me and told me to put clothes on and that one day i’d be fat like her and she’d laugh 

domestic violence call the police 

last night i had a dream that there was a “donate” button on my blog and every month you all donated £2 like on those adverts for children in africa and abandoned dogs and i got loads of money and was able to buy nice stuff and fix my hair and fly around the world to meet people off here but then the police found out and tried to stop it because apparently it was illegal so i was on the run and living in bushes and they were tracking me because every time i used my credit card to buy food they knew where i was and you were all supporting me by donating more money so i didn’t die 

why do i eat cheese before bed ://////

this happened earlier omfg

traumatic story from my childhood #1

when i was about 6 i was a raging nuisance to my mum and dad because i had this idea that i was a mermaid that washed up on land and grew feet and needed to find the master mermaid so i could get my tail back, so in swimming pools i used to dive under the water and swim around for aaaages holding my breath, and trying to find him. my parents just thought i couldn’t swim so dived in after me, screaming, and trying to attach arm bands to me.  

when i eventually confided in them that i was actually a mermaid and i was sorry but i had to get back to my people, they decided to take me to a special pool. they didn’t tell me but this was a salt water pool and the bottom was covered with crabs and lobsters and other sea life, so if you dived down they would try and eat you. so there i was, a lost mermaid, diving down deep into the water when a crab grabbed onto my bottom. i screamed, underwater, causing me to drink my own body weight in salt water, which made me practically drawn, until a life guard leapt in to save me. he dragged me out with the crab still very much attached to my butt cheek and it took two people to yank it off.

i don’t like swimming any more 

when i was little, every time dad mowed the lawn i used to collect up all the cut grass and sneak it under the bush in my garden into this cave of trees which was my hide out. then i used to make little beds for hedgehogs that came out in the garden at night, and put cat food in little pots for them to eat. omg the beds were like little soft nests and i made pillows and everything it was so cute >:)

it was my sister’s birthday meal and she said i couldn’t come

mum bought ice cream for my sister and her friends because they’re having a sleepover too, but she forgot to tell them 

so i took it

VENGEANCE NEVER TASTED SO CREAMY 

mum bought me a Reading ticket

just called my dad to see where he is because he was mean’t to pick me and my sisters up 3 hours ago, and apparently he thought it was a “mum day” while my mum thought it was a “dad day”

oh divorce 

just mixed laxatives into my sister’s personal hot chocolate pot

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAAHA

Daniel Radcliffe (aka harry potter) stars in The Woman In Black and while he was in this old house his candle blew out so i automatically shouted “USE YOUR WAND HARRY” and got applause from the people in the cinema

big moment big moment x

i took my little sisters to see The Woman In Black today because i heard it was really scary and i hate them so thought it would be cool to give them nightmares